Absence.

So, I haven't been writing on here as much as I would have liked to. I've been feeling very... under the weather, both physically and emotionally. It's actually a little unexplainable if you don't know the full extent of what's been going on in my life, but suffice it to say I've had a lot of stressful things going on (like scholarships, musical, speech, a physics paper that I don't want to write, etc.), and combined with some very emotional things (like the death of my baby-- my dog, Cooper), I've been a hair shy of psychotic. I've exploded at my friends for the smallest of reasons, I can't stand to be around my sister, I'm angry with my parents all the time... What makes me more angry is when I tell my mom things that are bothering me and she has to blab to EVERYONE that I'm depressed. If I wasn't depressed then, I am now. Nothing depresses me more than thinking that no one can figure these things out on their own and when I finally tell my mom, she tells everyone, and then I get pity. Pity is not something that I like. It bothers me even more.

Like my friend Jordan. When I didn't go to the last basketball game of the season to play pep band (my last pep band gig... I tried to make it for the halftime part, but I missed it, which I now regret a lot), my mom told my sister and my friend that I was depressed about stuff. My friend called me, forced me to go, and then I ended up making it. Well, I guess Jordan found out that I was upset (though I'm quite sure he didn't find out exactly what was making me upset, because he asked why my sister was crying...) because after the game he got on MSN Messenger and talked to me for the LONGEST time. He never does that. Bless his soul, I know he was just trying to help and I would have never known it was just him trying to save me from depression had he not made some weird comment before he left to take a shower and let his mom take over (I LOVE his mom!), but it just made me think, "Oh. So you wouldn't talk to me on any other occasion. I get it. You're just worried that I'm going to become depressed and suicidal or something. If I wasn't then you wouldn't be talking to me. Okay. Thanks."

Like I said, it was sweet of him to try helping me... But his odd comment made me a little upset. But I don't really want to bring it up with him (he'll probably get my blog unblocked TODAY and read this and this won't even matter) because I've been too mean to him lately. We've all been testy. We're ALL under large amounts of pressure, and I think it's affecting how we all treat each other. My sister says that I'm cranky all the time and holds it against me even when I'm in the best of moods. Then I go back into my "WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?!" mode.

So... conclusion? Stress is the main factor, most definitely. My stomach has been twisted in knots since January, and when I get really upset, I feel like there's a vice grip on my heart (not in a heart attack way...) and I get migraines so bad that no amount of ibuprofen and caffeine will help me. But I think the major contributor to this continuation of so-called "depression" is my sister, in more ways than you can know.